What Lies Ahead and What Lay Behind
by TheNeatFreak22
Summary: After Kaidan's brutal rejection on Horizon, Anya Shepard must find a way to move forward. Garrus Vakarian is her best friend, and the first person she leans on. This is my version how their relationship changes from mid-ME2 on. Anya Shepard is an earthborn, war hero, paragade vanguard.
1. How to Regroup

Chapter 1

Anya Shepard threw her helmet the moment she made it through the door to her cabin on the Normandy SR-2. The mission on Horizon had had her stomach in knots until she finally saw with her own eyes that Kaidan was alive. Once she saw him, though…

"That fuck," she growled to herself, not for the first time. The shuttle ride back with Garrus and Jack had been painful, with Shepard trying desperately to turn her emotions from sorrow to anger. Garrus had said that he knew Kaidan was wrong, quietly, and Jack had loudly called her former lover a bitch. While their efforts had briefly drawn a smile from her, it hadn't helped long term.

She stripped her armor off in angry, jerky motions. She knew she should have probably stopped by the armory instead of essentially bee-lining for her sanctuary, but justified it by telling herself that it would be better to take it down after it had been cleaned and she was in a better mood. Jacob spent most of his waking hours there, and she didn't want the hassle of apologizing later if she snapped at him.

Once her armor was piled in the same general corner of the room, she headed straight for her shower, intent on washing away the grime of battle. A nice, long shower after what she had been through seemed like it could be cathartic. She barely waited for the water to warm before plunging in, and in no time the water was almost painfully hot.

 _"_ _How could you put me through that?!"_

The words had come back to her, unbidden, and she found herself with gritted teeth and clenched fists.

 _"_ _I loved you!"_

There was the phrase that had made her heart fall. There was the phrase where she realized that this was destined to go as badly as she had feared. That wasn't even taking into consideration the way he had retreated from her, disgust on his face, the moment she had told him of her involvement with Cerberus. That look was the thing that gnawed on her insides. She started washing herself vigorously in an attempt to distract herself from that moment, frozen in her mind like a photograph.

 _"_ _You betrayed the Alliance…betrayed me."_

That was the moment when Shepard had decided that Kaidan Alenko could go deep throat a cactus.

She had shifted tactics at that point. She had decided that she would handle her feelings later, and tried to appeal to his logical mind, though she knew it was unlikely that he would come around. He was a lost cause on both fronts. When he mentioned needing to make his report back on the Citadel, she just let him go. She had too much on her plate to try to drag an ex through the galaxy, traipsing from one conflict to another.

 _(It wasn't worth it. He wasn't worth it. I wish he would have been.)_

That was the real problem, wasn't it? She had hoped that when she finally found him, it would be easy. She had hoped that they could have fallen back into what there had been between them. Garrus had chosen to follow her again, hardly skipping a beat. Tali, Liara, and Wrex made it clear that they wanted to do the same, though their responsibilities made that impossible for the time being. Those refusals didn't cut her the way Kaidan's had.

"I don't need Alenko," she muttered, still angry. Why wasn't sorrow even trying to rear its head? She stopped herself from questioning it further, knowing that it would just lead to her wondering for what seemed like the thousandth time if Cerberus had tampered with her brain after all. She started actively focusing on her breathing, almost as if she were practicing channeling her biotics, until even the anger bled out of her.

She finished her shower, a more calm than when she had entered. As she toweled herself off, she heard her omni-tool go off. She held out her arm to check, and felt a pang of embarrassment. Garrus had sent her a message. She opened it with a touch of trepidation.

 _You okay?_

The message was short and to the point. She weighed her options before typing out a message.

 _More embarrassed and angry than anything. I'll live._

His response was almost instantaneous.

 _Meet me at the bar._

She smiled. She was sure that if she went to the ship's lounge to meet him, she'd have a decent time, talking shit about Kaidan, and talking about everything and nothing when that got dull. Her face fell, though. She was sure that her other squad mates, well-meaning as they might be, would come to the bar to check on her, and their attempts to make her feel better would almost invariably make her feel worse.

 _Bar might be a bad idea. Not sure if I'm up to dealing with everyone right now._

She had started to get dressed when he replied again.

 _Want me to bring the bar to you, then? We can drink, get your armor clean, and get into minute detail about why Alenko is pathetic._

Anya snorted.

 _What makes you think my armor isn't clean already?_

His next response was so fast she was sure he was just waiting for her message to send it.

 _I know you. You never clean your armor first._

She smiled.

 _Shut up. Bring alcohol._

She knew he likely wouldn't reply again until he reached her door, so she rushed to get dressed in her crewman's outfit and pull out her supplies for cleaning her armor. She then arranged her armor in a neat pile on the table by the couch. She was still adjusting the pile to make it look like it wasn't staged when she heard her omni-tool ping again. It was Garrus again.

 _Open up._

She rolled her eyes at the brevity of the message, but hurried to the door. He had three bottles in the crook of his arm, and he smiled, or did the turian approximation of a smile, as soon as she let him in.

"How much do you think I'm going to be drinking?" she teased.

"One's for me. I wasn't sure if we were going for tipsy or drunk, though, so the wine and the whiskey are all yours," was his reply, taking his free hand to offer them both.

"We'll play it by ear," she said, noncommittally.

"Nothing wrong with that. Now, where'd you hide the armor?"

She snorted and directed him to her little seating area.

"Let's get to it, then." Her voice was a little quieter than she'd meant. She suddenly wasn't sure if she could handle talking about what had happened on Horizon. She was surprised when she didn't feel tears pricking her eyelids, or her stomach turn to lead. Not for the first time, she wondered what was wrong with her to make her feel so distant about what had happened with Kaidan. She took a seat on the couch and snagged her chest plate.

Garrus sat down next to her and watched her for a moment.

"You sure you're okay, Shep?" His voice was even and soothing. He grabbed her helmet and a cloth, but made no more movements while he waited.

"I don't…I don't know." Anya was reluctant to admit it, but it was true. Garrus just kept waiting while she gathered her thoughts. "I just…I'm hurting some, but it's not like I expected. I thought it would be worse, I guess. I'm angry, and I know my pride it hurting, but I don't feel sad about what happened on Horizon for shit. I don't understand that."

Garrus finally stopped watching her while he set about cleaning the helmet. "How did you feel when you found out that it had been two years since you saw everybody?"

"I don't know. What does that have to do with Alenko?"  
"Maybe a lot. Maybe not much." He shrugged. "Just think about it."

"I was angry and confused. I spent a lot of time afraid, worrying that some of you guys were dead," she finally answered.

"How did you feel about Alenko after you realized it?"

"I guess I felt lost. I felt like there was no way he and I would…I don't know. Like there was no chance in hell we were going to be on the same page anymore." She started aggressively cleaning the small dips in between the plates of her aegis vest. "I was pretty upset. I loved Kaidan before."

"Ever think that you might have started grieving the relationship then? It's been a while since you woke up, it's not a crazy thought. Horizon might just be your closure."

"That actually makes me feel a little better. I keep worrying."

"What? Why?" Garrus looked back up at her, puzzled.

"I…because I…" she couldn't help her hesitation, "…because I was brought back by Cerberus. I don't know if they…did…something…to me." She knew the words probably sounded lame.

Garrus snorted. "They could create something that looks like you, but there's no way you could be perfectly replicated."

"What if they messed me up, though? Still brought me back, but not quite right? I know Miranda tried to talk the Illusive Man into putting a chip in my brain," she groused. Garrus gaped at her for a moment.

"What a bitch," he finally muttered, mostly to himself, turning back to the helmet in his talons. Anya laughed. "What? You know I'm not wrong."

"She's not that bad."

"The fact that you have to say it like that means it's still pretty bad." His expression perked up a little when she laughed again. "Anyway, if Cerberus, the human rights promotion group, had really played with your brain, I don't think you'd still treat me the same. You still treat me like a comrade in battle, and a friend outside of combat. I think I'd notice."

"Awww, going soft on me?" she teased, just before she bumped his shoulder with hers, pleased with his response.

"Absolutely," he laughed. "If I got much softer, I'd be nearly as squishy as you."

She snorted. "You're ridiculous."

Garrus delayed responding by placing the helmet down and picking up the bottle of wine. He opened it with quick motions as he said, "If you say so. Though, since we're on the topic of things that are ridiculous, what the hell was up with Alenko's hair? Spirits…"


	2. The Little Things

Chapter 2

"But thank you, Commander. My sister is safe again, in large part thanks to you. I won't forget that." Miranda's voice had softened slightly. Anya smiled and the other woman began to retreat to her desk. The mission had been a bit of a mess, but the Commander was fairly certain that Miranda wouldn't attempt that kind of deceit again. The end result of Oriana being safe was the important part.

Or that's what Anya told herself. She was still a little angry at the deliberate miscommunications, but it would be better to let it go and move forward than nail Miranda's (allegedly) genetically perfect ass to the wall.

Instead of acting on the last vestiges of her frustration, Anya nodded her farewell and left without a word. She ducked into the mess area to grab herself some food. The mission had kept her adrenaline pumping, and she knew she was in danger of crashing soon, but if she didn't eat, she knew she'd wake up feeling like hell.

 _(Ramen will do.)_

It was likely a little bland, but it could be prepared quickly, and that was good enough. She started to wolf down the noodles with relish. Even a mediocre meal was something she could appreciate, because anything beat being hungry.

 _(I'm not going to starve.)_ The chiding she gave herself was mild. Growing up on the street had definitely skewed her attitude towards food, and she doubted that one bowl of ramen would change it any time soon. The best she could do was slow down so that she could breathe in between bites.

About two thirds of the way through the bowl, Jacob arrived, looking concerned.

"Jacob!" She greeted him with a neutral smile. "Did you need something?"

"Commander, I was wondering if you've been informed that Officer Vakarian is poking around your armor and weapons." The words came out in a rush, uncertainty on the man's face.

"That's...odd."

"That's what I thought." The man hesitated before continuing. "I don't want to report it to Miranda, or the Illusive Man, but I felt like I should say something to you. He's not doing anything wrong, per se, but it's strange."

"I'll talk to him. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about." There was no doubt in her mind that he wasn't doing any harm. "Honestly, we maintain our gear together on a pretty regular basis. He's probably just double checking to make sure there's no rust, or any grime buildup in the crevices. He can be a little anal about stuff like that."

"I sincerely hope that you're right. Vakarian seems like good people." There was sincerity in Jacob's voice, and it made Anya smile. It was a nice reminder that not everyone she knew were assholes.

"He is. I'll go ahead and talk to him." She placed her food down and headed towards the armory. The moment she walked in, she saw him, and he immediately stood bolt upright when he noticed.

"Shepard!" She couldn't hear his subharmonics, but after all their time together, she could read his expression. He was surprised, and a little embarrassed.

"Hey, Garrus, what's up?" She could clearly see that it was her armor he was bent over before her entrance.

"I can explain." His words were rushed.

"Well, I already guessed that it wasn't sabotage or the turian equivalent of a panty raid, so that already narrowed it down some," she teased. The joke didn't make him relax, even a little.

"How would you know what a turian panty raid looked like?" he queried.

"So that's what it is." She feigned surprise. He immediately seemed defensive.

"No! It's definitely not." He tried to collect himself.

"What are you doing, then?" Her voice gentled. He obviously didn't appreciate the teasing, and she had meant to make the situation less stressful.

"It's just... I.." he faltered for a moment. "I read the report, when you died. Joker smuggled me a copy of it, because I wouldn't stop hounding him. It was...bad."

"And what does that have to do with this, exactly?" She could practically hear the blood rushing through her ears. Almost no one had spoken about the fact that she had died, and no one had mentioned it to her face since she boarded the Normandy. It made Garrus saying it seem surreal.

"It read like a worst case scenario for faulty equipment. Seemed like a faulty hose or gasket, so sometimes I just...feel like I need to make sure your gear is good. It makes me feel more settled to know that everything is combat ready. I...I don't have many friends, Shep. Spirits, losing you was hard. I just don't think I can lose my best friend again, especially if it's because of something so easily prevented."

She swallowed, but it hurt. Another word from him probably would have broken her. "This is why we're going through so many parts, isn't it? You've been swapping out little things as soon as they start showing wear." It wasn't a question.

"Yeah." His eyes were directed at the floor.

"You're an idiot. You know that, right?" She tried to keep her tone light, but she could hear how strained and thick her voice sounded.

He looked up. "I just...felt like this was another way I could have your six."

The lump was bigger now, and her eyes were burning. "You always do. Thank you, Garrus."

"Are you okay?" He came around the table and stood next to her, so that they were almost shoulder to shoulder. "I wasn't trying to overstep."

"I'm really not okay, but it's not your fault. I just...I'm glad you're here with me." She rested her head on his shoulder when a few tears leaked out.

"I really wasn't trying to upset you." His arm came up and around her smaller frame. He squeezed once, carefully. He always worried that he could hurt her with his talons.

"It's a good thing. Sometimes my emotions just build up and I either have to let them out or I'll start going nuts. Believe it or not, I really appreciate you taking the time you have. It's just nice that someone cares." She sniffed once. "I mean, intellectually, I know people care, but knowing it and feeling it aren't the same. It's just... it's been so hard, being back after so long. I miss our friends, and I watched you almost die, and I spend so much time just trying to take care of everyone else…"

"Hey, you're not alone." The passing mention of the rocket made his voice shift. She knew it had been too close a brush with death for either of their liking.

"I know. I just don't want to be a burden for you. You already have so much going on-"

"Hey, stop." He turned, and tugged her to face him. "You are never a burden for me, especially after all the times you've let me lean on you."

The tears were coming faster now. She found herself literally leaning on the turian, and he simply enveloped her in an embrace while she cried. It was only a few minutes, but she felt lighter afterward.

"Sorry about that," she muttered. "I don't normally get weepy like that." He loosened his hold on her and made eye contact with her.

"It's fine, Shepard. I'm happy to be here for you. Besides," he shifted so that his fist was offered, "there's no Vakarian without Shepard."

She smiled through residual tears, touching her knuckles to his briefly, almost whispering, "And there's no Shepard without Vakarian."

"Attagirl." His mandibles shifted, he seemed pleased.

"You're a good friend, Garrus."

"What is it your people say? Takes one to know one?"

She snorted. "Yeah, but it's normally meant as an insult."

"Only your people could turn something like that into a rude sentiment."

"Coming from mister 'oh, no, not soft!' himself? That's rich." He laughed at her words.

"Go get some rest, Shep. It's been a hell of a day. I'll finish up the armor and probably crash myself. That last firefight was brutal." He made a noise, indicating his distaste.

"Ugh, I know. And having essentially zero accurate intel from Miranda made it so much worse." She yawned then.

Garrus chuckled. "We'll bitch about it tomorrow. You're going to end up sleep talking if you don't go to bed soon."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm going. Don't keep yourself up too late. I'm not the only one who can act foolish when they're tired."

"Yes, Commander." He mock saluted as she walked away, and she smiled.

"Sleep tight, Garrus."

"Sleep tight, Anya."

It wasn't until she made her way up to her cabin and made herself comfortable in bed that she wondered why he had called her by her first name.


	3. A Little Hope

Chapter 3

"Shepard, thanks for the help." She took Jacob's hand when he offered it, slightly surprised at the strength of his grip. It seemed like he was trying to convey sincerity in the solemn moment.

"Anytime, Jacob." She schooled her expression, not wanting him to mistake any kindness for pity. He may have been with Cerberus, but he was still a decent person.

She left the Communications Room and headed straight to the bar, knowing Garrus was likely already there. When she arrived, he had already poured himself a drink, and already had an empty glass out of her. She waited to speak until the door had closed behind her.

"So, what is it about people with unhealthy relationships with their parents flocking to me?" Anya asked, snagging a bottle of wine and moving to stand next to the turian.

"You're a kindred spirit. You practically reek of abandonment issues," he said evenly, trying to keep a straight face.

"Have I ever told you how inspiring our little talks are?" She poured the glass as she spoke, watching the clear, pink-tinted liquid as its level rose.

"You know, I can't say that I recall you saying that."

"Ever wonder why?" She shot him a sideways look and cocked an eyebrow, mock glaring at the turian.

"You look up to me too much, I already know." He didn't hesitate with his quip, though his solemn expression had slipped.

She snorted. "I'm sure that's what it is."

The silence stretched between them for a few minutes.

"Shep?"

"Yeah?"

"You do know that if you ever want to talk about your stuff, you can with me, right?" His voice softened as he spoke.

"Yeah, I know. I just...I'm kinda over it, you know?" Her hand tightened around her glass a little. "It was upsetting when I was a kid, to know they didn't want me. Up until I ran away, I used to hope they'd miss me, and take me home."

"How old were you when you ran? I remember you saying that you were young."

"I was nine the first time. I was eleven the last time."

"Got caught?"

"Unfortunately. My second attempt was better; I learned." She took a long drink from her glass. This had not been how she'd expected her downtime to be spent.

"So, why run?"

"I...well, it was a lot of things. My parents left me in a shit hole with almost exclusively oatmeal, unsalted rice, and beans for food, which meant I didn't eat much, which meant I was in a foul mood and looked sickly. Now, that meant the nuns felt like I was in need of a good caning on a regular basis, since tired, hungry children are god awful assholes. It also meant that parents stayed aggressively clear of me, because who wants a kid that looks like hell and has an attitude problem?" She shrugged half-heartedly. "I get it."

"I'm sure that was rough for you."

"Life is suffering." She cringed a little when she said it.

"Now you're just being purposefully dark."

"Not exactly. So, imagine expecting life to suck. Now think about how amazing good times are when you have low expectations." She took another sip.

"Does that make you an optimist or a pessimist?" He was watching her, curiosity etched on his features.

"I think it makes me a Buddhist," she joked. "Now all I need is to give up unprompted violence and cut off all my hair."

"Spirits, you people are crazy. And why would you cut it off? It looks nice." He shook his head and took a swallow of his own drink.

She laughed. "I guess I'll have to hold off on the whole enlightenment thing, then, since I have you over here stroking my ego."

"How you suffer," he said drily.

"Anything for you, big guy." She smiled a little. Her voice got a little quieter when she continued, "What about you? Got anything you want to get off your chest?"

He made a derisive noise and took a drink. "You already know pretty much all of my stuff."

"Then is any of the old stuff bothering you?"

"Not really. Just stressed out for all the regular reasons."

"How's your mom?"

"A little worse," he admitted. "I...I don't think I'm ready for her to go."

"No one's really ready for something like that." She reached up and squeezed his shoulder. His hand came up and squeezed hers. "Have you written her and Sol?"

"I have. It's never enough in a situation like this, though."

"I know." Her voice was sympathetic. "How is your dad?"

"He's...himself. It's all distance and disappointment." The turian's voice took on an edge as he spoke, expression dark.

"I'm sorry, Garrus. I'm sure he cares. Just try to be patient." She could already tell the platitudes fell flat.

"I get tired of being patient, Shep. I just...I wanted him to want me. I have spent my whole life trying and failing to live up to the examples of other people." He took another drink, draining his glass. "First it was his example, then yours, and I'm tired of feeling inadequate."

"Garrus, do you know why you're here?" she asked, after a moment.

"Because you don't want me to bleed to death the next time I'm in trouble." His voice was grim and quiet.

"It's because you are arguably one of the best shots in the Milky Way, on top of being nearly as strong as a krogan, and being a brilliant tactician. You are brave and awesome, and you don't have to live up to anyone else, because you are a badass. It's an honor to have you here, Garrus, and I'm not going to let you talk shit about yourself like that." She finished her glass quickly.

"I...hmmm."

"Speechless? That's new," she teased, bumping her shoulder into his lightly.

"I'm glad I have you as a friend." The statement was simple, but it made her smile.

"Good. I'm glad I can be the friend you deserve."

"You hit all your marks on that front. Emotionally supportive, doesn't take me for granted, never lets me do anything stupid by myself…" He looked at her with a small smile. "I do have a question, though: one of the best shots in the Galaxy?"

"Well, I couldn't very well say _the_ best shot in the galaxy." She tossed her hair a little and shot him a sly grin.

"Oh?"

"I mean, you are competing against me," she said, feeling her grin turn cocky.

"Oh, right for the heart!" He joking grabbed his chest as if wounded. She laughed, and he smiled. "I'm going to have to remember that."

"Promises, promises," she murmured, pouring herself another glass. She stopped short, leaving the glass half full.

 _(Am I flirting with Garrus?)_

He didn't seem to notice, pouring himself another as well. She very suddenly felt uncomfortable and out of place. She took a long swallow as she tried not to look relieved.

"So, what's next up on the itinerary?"

"Honestly, I have to figure it out. I'm going to be reading up on like four different mission proposals before end of day tomorrow. It's a nightmare," she grumbled, trying to get back in the conversation in a normal headspace as she took a smaller sip.

"If you need help getting through them, let me know. I'm always willing to subject myself to the dangers of paperwork for you."

"Ugh, don't tempt me. If I start seeing double when I read I'll call you." She knew he meant the offer, but didn't want to pass it on unless she had to.

"I'll hold you to it." He took another long drink.

"I think I'm going to call it for tonight. Gotta be up bright and early. I'll see you at breakfast."

"Oh seven hundred?"

"Like you even need to ask." She smiled and drained the last of her wine. "I'll see you then. Good night, big guy."

"Good night."

She walked away, but glanced back just before the door closed. He was watching her leave, and the realization made her heart beat a little faster.

 _(Fuck…)_

That wasn't what she expected. She wondered if she was becoming attracted to her friend, and quickly pushed the thought away. She didn't have time for romance. Hell, she barely had time to sleep most days. She started towards Mordin's lab.

 _(Who in their right mind would be attracted to me, anyway?)_

She scowled at that thought.

 _(I need to shut the fuck up.)_

She entered the lab to find the salarian bustling around, moving what appeared to be a collection of samples over to a piece of equipment.

"Hey, Mordin."

"Shepard," he nodded as he began tweaking the settings on the machine.

"I have a favor to ask of you."

"Ask away. If I can help, I certainly will."

"And I also must ask for discretion."

"I wouldn't stand for the alternative." He looked at her expectantly.

"I was wondering if you knew of any experimental trials for a particular degenerative condition that afflicts turians."

"Garrus?"

"His mother."

"I see. Forward me any relevant information, and I will make contact with the appropriate people. If there's anything to be found, I will pass the information on to Officer Vakarian. Anonymously, of course. No sense in calling undue attention." He turned back to his equipment. "If there's anything we can do to improve her quality of life, it will be done. Rest assured of that."

"Thank you, Mordin."

"It's nothing." The salarian seemed distracted.

"If you say so." Anya smiled as she departed. Hopefully he could find a little hope for her friend, or at least a little less pain.

Garrus deserved that much.


	4. Tossing and Turning

Chapter 4 (Warning-Some Smut May Appear)

"I'm glad to hear that, Shepard. Just let me know how I can help. For now, I should get back to work. Thanks for coming by." Anya watched her quarian friend walk away. Tali seemed subdued, and tired.

She followed her back to her console. "Hey, Tali?"

"Yes, Shepard? Was there something else you needed?"

"Do you want to hang out in a bit? Just us and some drinks? I don't know about you but I am direly in need of some quality girl time." Anya smiled at the other woman.

"I don't see why not. I have missed spending time with you," Tali admitted. "Besides, I'm sure I've barely heard about everything that's gone on with you."

"We can talk about whatever you like. I'll snag some turian booze, we'll have a good time."

"Alright, alright, you talked me into it." Tali laughed a little as she spoke. "I'll be there. Just give me an hour or so."

"Awesome." Shepard walked away with a smile.

She went up the elevator and beelined to the battery. Garrus was intently staring at the main console as he typed. He didn't turn until she said his name.

"Shepard," he acknowledged, still obviously distracted.

"I need a favor."

"Whatever you need." There was no hesitation in his voice. That observation made her chest feel tight, but she tried to ignore it.

"May I have some of your alcohol?"

That got his attention. He turned to face her with a concerned look on his face.

"Spirits, no! Don't you know how sick that will make you? Shepard, I really don't think-"

"It's for Tali!" she interrupted, trying not to laugh. His expression almost immediately relaxed. "We were hoping to have a little female bonding time. I'm happy to buy you more when we resupply in a few days."

"That's fine. Just remember not to skimp and get the cheapest stuff. You should be aware that I'm a connoisseur of the second cheapest alcoholic beverages." He raised his chin and puffed his chest out in a display of mock pride. He smiled and relaxed his posture again when she laughed.

"I will remember to bring an offering of appropriate quality for your refined tastes." She daintily curtsied, failing to keep a straight face.

"That's more like it. I'm glad you finally recognize how incredibly sophisticated I am." His expression became more serious. "Really, though, you're not going to drink it, right?"

"Hell no!"

"That's a relief. I was legitimately worried for a minute there."

"I promise not to touch a drop."

"Thank you for humoring me, Shep. You guys have a good time. I'm probably going to be up working late, so I'm really not going to need it."

"What are you working on?"

The turian's face fell. "It's probably nothing. There's a small chance I may have tracked down a lead on something. It's not a great one, though."

"Do you need anything?"

"Just time. I'll let you know if it turns out to be worth anything." His expression had shifted a little. He suddenly seemed distant, guarded.

"Alright. I'll come check up on you in the morning, before breakfast, okay?" She wondered if it had to do with Sidonis. Outside of their first conversation since their reunion, he hadn't brought it up, and she was starting to worry that he wasn't dealing with his grief well.

"That's fine. I'll see you then." He abruptly turned back to the console. Anya was taken aback, but she left. Anguish was a complicated thing, and now didn't seem like a good time to push back.

She could wait.

Tali settled onto the couch in an easy motion. She turned to Anya and said, "Those Cerberus flunkies definitely know comfortable."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure they thought if they had enough nice stuff to throw at me, I wouldn't notice the underlying racism." Anya poured her drink with a dry smile.

"I wonder where those bosh'tets got that idea from?" The quarian began to pour herself a drink as she talked.

"Had to have worked at some point. That's where most bad ideas come from."

Tali made a derisive noise. "You're probably right." Tali pulled out a straw and casually slid it into her drink. Anya cocked an eyebrow but said nothing for the time being.

"So, Kal'Reegar." Anya watched the other woman. "He seemed nice."

"He is. I'm glad he's okay." Tali seemed to hesitate.

"Yeah, me, too." Anya took a sip of her drink. "Anything you wanted to...discuss regarding him?"

"Sorry, Shepard. No juicy details from Haestrom, unfortunately," Tali sighed wistfully. "Although in different conditions…"

Anya made a sympathetic noise. "In my experience, the Galaxy never makes it easy."

"So I hear. What happened with Kaiden?"

"Well, on Horizon he accused me of being a traitor and things kinda spiralled from there, so…" The commander shrugged. "It's better this way. His half-apology, half 'I am not the bad guy' letter drove the point home."

"How bad is it?"

"Here, look at this shit." Anya quickly tapped her omni-tool and pulled up Kaiden's email. "Don't get me wrong, I know that, 'Hey, honey, I'm back from the dead!' is a big pill to swallow, but the first time he admitted that he loved me was also the same conversation where he told me I had betrayed the Alliance and him, so it's a little hard to be kind about the whole thing."

Tali read silently for a moment. "Keelah, that's a punch to the gut."

"Delightful, isn't it? I know that he had to go through some shit, but trying to turn around what he said on Horizon is a tall order, even for him. I don't have the emotional fortitude to begin with his…" Anya gestured vaguely.

"I don't blame you. I'm sure it was painful." Tali awkwardly slid the straw into the mouth part of her helmet.

"I mean, kinda. Garrus thinks I might have been emotionally checking out because of the time," the woman admitted, looking down at her drink. "He might be onto something."

"Garrus can be pretty observant." Now Tali was watching the other woman. "He also says you guys have been spending a lot of time together since he came on."

"Well, yeah, it's Garrus. We've been close since that mess with Dr. Hart."

"Yeah, but at this point, you're doing most meals together, you're taking him on almost every mission, and you're destressing together after every mission, plus your normal rounds…"

Anya felt her cheeks heat up. "No juicy details from the SR-2, unfortunately."

"So are you saying you wish there were juicy details with Garrus?" Tali queried, interested.

"Are you saying you wish there were juicy details with Kal?" Anya's retort was quick, but she could feel her face getting redder.

"Shepard, come on. It's not a big deal either way. Garrus is oblivious, if it makes you feel any better."

Anya sighed and ran her hand through her hair. "It's probably for the best. I'm a train wreck, and it probably wouldn't work anyway, even if I did want more."

"Do you want more?"

"I don't know." Anya took a long drink.

"I think you might, and I think you would be good for him."

"I would be great for his emotional well-being, but I would be the death of him long term. I don't know why any of you want to follow me." Anya just looked at her glass, weariness clear in her expression. "Hell, I don't think I would even know where to start, even if he somehow became less oblivious and was into me."

"Well, why don't we find out?" Tali started tapping on her omni-tool.

"Please tell me that you are not emailing Garrus."

"I am not emailing Garrus." Tali's finger hovered for a moment. "I'm looking up naked turians."

"I was talking about Garrus and his people's customs, not cocks." Anya's ears had joined in heating up.

"But would it really be so bad to know what you're trying to get into?" Tali waited.

"If I look, I will never stop trying to picture him naked."

"After this conversation, I think that was an inevitability." Still, Tali's finger hovered.

"Goddamnit." Anya took a large drink. "Fine."

Tali pressed one more button and up popped an image of a turian, hard cock in hand. "There we are!"

"Jesus, I thought you were going to pull up an anatomical diagram, not porn." Anya looked away.

"It's just a still, not the whole vid. I don't know why you're acting more sheltered than I am," Tali teased her friend as she took another drink, more smoothly than the first.

Anya glanced back again. The plates along the turian's body were basically where she expected them, although she hadn't realized there was an area unprotected by plates on either side of the waist. It looked like his cock had slid from between a seam in the lower plates.

"I have officially taken the time to look thoroughly at a turian penis, are you happy?"

"Well, happier. I would be ecstatic if you just told Garrus you were interested."

"I might. I don't know. What if he is completely not interested and I end up losing one of the only friends I have left?"

"Shepard…" Tali's voice softened. "You dying didn't drive him away. You honestly think a little crush is going to manage that?"

"I don't know." Anya took another sip of her wine.

"Well, I do, and I would bet my last credit that the only reason he hasn't made a move is because it hasn't even occurred to him that you might be interested. He's always been like that."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, back on the SR-1, he had a little hero worship crush on you. There was talk about it, up until you started spending time with Kaiden."

"What? How the hell did I not notice?" Anya was incredulous.

"You are about as observant as a turian doing calibrations when it comes to love." Tali took another drink.

"I'm not that dense."

"Says the woman who doesn't notice a spiky six foot alien that's borderline pining for her attention."

"There is no way that you aren't exaggerating."

"Barely. I am barely exaggerating. He took over maintenance for the Mako because you came to see him more often." Tali took a sip. "He was always half-glad when you did stupid stuff like jumping a mountain. After he finished having a heart attack, anyway."

"There is no way that our friendship is based on my bad driving."

"It was the basis for everything on the SR-1," Tali said darkly. Anya snorted.

"I still think you guys could have buckled up and it would have been better than just complaining."

"Not when we dismount on foot five to four hundred times a planet."

"You didn't always have to get shot at with me."

"Please, Wrex never would have let any of us live it down. Besides, friends don't let friends get shot."

"Yeah. I guess that's true." Anya smiled and looked down. Both women finished their drinks around the same time.

"I'm glad we got to do this," Tali said after a pause. "I may call it for tonight. Being away has lowered my tolerance."

Anya scoffed. "Lightweight."

"Some things never change." Tali stood, but hesitated. "I really do think that you should talk to Garrus, though. Some things do change."

"I might. I just...have to figure out how to begin the conversation."

"I guess, 'Garrus, wanna do it?' isn't a great opener."

Anya laughed. "No, not really."

"Well, I hope you come up with a plan."

"A plan going in would be a nice change of pace."

Tali laughed and started to walk away. "Like that's ever going to happen."

Anya smirked. Talking to the younger woman had always been good. "Good night, Tali."

"Good night, Shepard."

Anya kicked off her shoes, turned off the main light, and stripped within a few minutes of her friend leaving. Getting some shut-eye honestly wasn't a bad idea.

 _(Like I'm going to get any sleep.)_

She ignored the pessimistic voice and crawled into bed. If she could manage a few hours of sleep it would make tossing and turning worth it.

Thirty minutes later, she was starting to get irritated. Sleep had never been so difficult to obtain before Elysium.

 _(Fuck.)_

She spent some minutes arguing with herself before she roused herself and hesitantly grabbed the small rabbit vibrator stashed away in one of her drawers. Trying to get off solo was often a pain in the ass, but it could help her sleep.

She teased her clit for a few moments before adjusting so that she could slowly slide a fingertip into her entrance. She withdrew her digit before pushing back in again, slowly working her way deeper. She added another finger once the first was delving as deeply as it could. She stroked her inner walls carefully.

After a few minutes she withdrew both fingers and rubbed her clit some more, her own wetness doing wonders to keep the friction at a pleasurable level. She quickly slid in the vibrator, placing the small arm over the sensitive nub and turning on the toy. She bit back a moan and began adjusting until she was panting.

 _(Don't think about Garrus, don't think about Garrus…)_

The image of him, cock in hand and wearing a lustful look like the turian from the picture, kept forcing its way to the forefront of her mind. It was maddening. She finally gave up and let herself wonder how his big hands would feel, roaming her body with abandon. She let the fantasy build to include his rumbling voice, breathlessly murmuring words of need in her ear, and she let herself imagine his cock as the thing stretching her aching sex.

She came with a whimper. Her orgasm had left her shaken and sensitive, and she quickly removed the toy.

 _(I came to Garrus.)_ The realization make her anxious. "Oh, fuck…"

The next morning, she awoke and dressed in a hurry. She kept fussing with her hair, nervous at the prospect of actively trying to flirt with her dear friend. The prospect made her heart beat nearly as hard as when she was getting shot at.

She made her way quickly down to the forward battery, and seeing Garrus there made her anxious. He turned when he heard her enter.

"Shepard. I'm glad you came by. I've got something. I may need your help." The turian seemed restless. With his next words, her heart sank. "You remember Sidonis?"

 _(Fuck.)_


	5. Right and Wrong

Chapter 5

Anya took another shot of whiskey and told herself it burned less than the one before. The mission had ended with no casualties, and Harkin hadn't been shot, but she didn't feel like it had been a success.

Garrus was angry, and hurting. Without Sidonis to unleash his pain on, Garrus was coping by isolating himself. He hadn't responded to either of the messages she'd sent, and she couldn't help but feel anxious. She didn't think he was a danger to himself or anyone else, but the thought that she'd just managed to ruin one of her dearest friendships kept looping through her mind. He hadn't wanted to talk to her after the mission, what if he never wanted to again?

Her steadily growing attraction to the turian notwithstanding, what was she supposed to do without her best friend?

She poured herself another shot and tried to summon the motivation to drink it. Instead, she pulled up her omni-tool and hesitated, wondering if he would respond to a third message.

 _Meet me at the bar._

She took the shot right after she sent the message. She waited for a few long minutes before she received a reply.

 _Really not up for it, Shepard. I just want to be left alone right now._

She ran a hand through her hair.

 _Okay. For what it's worth...I'm sorry._

She put away the bottle and the glass, and headed towards the door. It opened just before she arrived, revealing Garrus.

"Hey, sorry. I was just leaving." She looked down and made as if to go around him.

"Look, Shepard, about earlier, I was...I'm not trying to shut you out, I just need a little time. You get that, right?" The turian seemed distant, but his tone held a touch of pleading.

"Garrus, you don't need my permission to deal with your feelings, and you don't need my blessing to take however much time you need for it. Besides, I have done more than enough in terms of making this harder for you."

"You were trying to help."

"I was being a busybody and I forced your hand."

"You weren't wrong." Anya finally looked up at him. His gaze was intense. "Just because I'm not ready to talk about how you were right doesn't make you wrong."

"That's kind of you to say." Her voice cracked a little, and she cleared her throat. "I should go. It's getting late."

"Anya…" Why did he have to say her name that way, now of all times? His voice was worried, and there was an underlying tenderness that made her heart pound.

"Garrus…"

"I can already see you beating yourself up over this. This isn't a you thing. It's a me thing. Making yourself feel bad isn't going to make me feel any better. Will you try to remember that?"

"I just hate you being unhappy. Is that so strange?" Her voice softened and she looked down again.

"No, but it's still not a good reason to torment yourself." He stepped in close and placed both hands on her shoulders. "Everything is going to be okay. I just need a couple of days. Can you give me that without kicking yourself non-stop?"

"Whatever you need," she murmured, nodding. He pulled her into an embrace and she hugged back, hard. "I mean it, Garrus. Just let me know, okay?"

"Yeah, you got it." He tightened his hold on her for a brief moment before letting go. She did the same and stepped back.

"Good night, Garrus."

"Good night, Shep."

The two parted and Anya beelined for her cabin. It was hard to walk away from him, but she knew that he needed her to respect his wishes, and for once, she was going to come through for him.

"Fuck," she muttered as she stepped off the elevator. Tears were pricking her eyes. He still cared, and he cared enough to check on her, even though he was in pain. She hurried inside before she started crying.

 _(You don't deserve him.)_ The nasty, pessimistic voice was back.

She bit back a sob.

 _(Deserve has nothing to do with it. He's my friend, and I'm his.)_

 _(Would he want to be friends if he knew?)_

Shame colored her cheeks. Her desire for him definitely hadn't abated. Even with him in distress, she had felt herself react to the way he said her name.

 _(I can't help how I feel, but I am in control of how I act about it. He's my friend because my actions tell him everything he needs to know.)_

 _(Yeah, but you're still going to be hiding away, touching yourself to him in your spare time.)_

Her inner pessimist was a real bitch. Shepard wiped her eyes.

 _(So, what? It doesn't make me a shitty friend to have needs. I'm not imposing what I want on him, and it literally hurts nothing for me to find him attractive.)_

The voice fell silent, and Anya breathed a sigh of relief. She needed a break. They weren't leaving the Citadel for at least two days, so she made a mental note to let message everyone in the morning to declare the next few days shore leave. A long weekend would do everyone good.

She looked over at her bed, dreading sleep. She knew that she either toss and turn half the night away, or relent and let her hands and mind wander to Garrus.

She took a breath and headed to bed. There were worse things than sleepless nights.

 _(Fuck it.)_


	6. Running on Fumes

Chapter 6

The drell's voice seemed pensive as he ended their conversation with, "You have given me much to meditate on."

Anya nodded and rose, understanding that he had things to process. The assassination had been thwarted, and she was glad that Bailey had been willing to consider community service for Kolyat. More than anything, she was glad that Thane was taking steps to begin repairing their relationship.

She was drained enough that she didn't really question the summons to speak to the Illusive Man. She felt skeptical of his motives, and of the information he gave her, but she didn't have anything concrete to call him on. She accepted the mission as gracefully as she could.

She made her way down to the engine room to find Tali. She found the quarian and immediately began with, "Hey, I think I need you with me."

"Oh, you know, doing pretty good. I'm glad I have friends like you that greet me warmly every time they see me." The other woman was teasing.

"Point taken, but I'm serious. We're already en route for a mission and something about this is off. This kind of serendipity is rare, and normally bullshit. Can you be ready soon?"

"Keelah, yes. What do you think they're trying to pull?"

"I don't know, but it seems...wrong. They're trying to tell me that a turian patrol disabled a Collector ship, but did no real damage so it's stable enough to poke around in, and they just so happen to be nearby enough that we'll be the first ones there? It's too many coincidences. I think Cerberus is about to fuck us, hard, I just don't know how yet."

"Well, I've got your back, Shepard. Have you told Garrus to suit up yet?"

"I-no." Anya felt her face getting hot. "He said he needed space and time the last time we talked. I wasn't planning on bringing him."

"Who else are you going to bring?"

"I don't know yet. Jack is a good call because she won't get suckered in by the Illusive Man's bullshit, but Thane could provide valuable for back up. He's more than capable on the battlefield."

"And Garrus isn't?"

"I told him I would leave him alone until he was ready. Look, Tali, now isn't the time to force some matchmaking."

"I just think you're going to regret not bringing him."

"I will regret not respecting my friend more."

The quarian made a noise. "Fine, but you're both being bosh'tets."

"Probably not for the last time. I'll see you in a few. I have to go bug Jack."

"Decided against Thane?"

"He only just got back with me a little while ago. Just because I'm running on fumes doesn't mean my team has to be, too. It's not like she isn't a badass."

"Are you sure we can't wait until you rest a little?"

"No, we have a nice, time-sensitive cherry on top of it all."

"This is absurd."

"Yeah, but so is everything else in my life, so…" Anya shrugged and started to turn. "I'll see you in a bit."

She hurried to the area beneath the engineering deck where Jack had set up makeshift bunk. The biotic was dangerous, and Anya felt like she might need the fire that the Psychotic Biotic kept simmering just beneath the surface.

"Hey, Jack."

"Shepard."

"Any chance you're up for doing some damage? We may even end up getting to yell at the Illusive Man for it."

"Maybe. What's the catch?"

"I'm almost sure they're giving me garbage information about the mission, so I have no idea what we're up against. I was hoping to have one of the baddest biotics in the galaxy come with."

"If it's a trash mission, why the hell are we going?"

"I get off on saying, 'Told ya!' and getting to call the Illusive Man out makes me feel less bad about blatantly ignoring his advice when I see fit. Plus I'm kinda working through some shit, so…" Anya shrugged.

Jack snorted. "Sounds like a fucking party. Anything it takes to make Cerberus look like the assholes they are."

"You have a real way with words, Jack. See you in the armory in a few."

"Looking forward to it."


	7. Safe as You Can Stand

Chapter 7

"Called it," Anya muttered, walking into the bar. Tali and Jack were already drinking.

"Seriously, Shepard, what the hell?" The other biotic sounded irritated.

"Hey, all three of us were pretty sure we were walking into a ridiculous situation, and that it was going to be Cerberus at fault. I'm blaming the Illusive Jackass for this one." Anya deftly grabbed a glass and the nearest bottle of whiskey. She poured herself a generous amount and quickly drained the glass, grimacing before pouring another.

The other women looked at her, and she noticed surprise on Jack's features. "Damn, Shep."

"Whiskey is a 'currently rethinking my life choices' drink for me." She began drinking this glass, albeit more slowly. "Normally it's just a glass or two of wine."

"Fair enough."

It was then that the door opened again. Garrus came in, looking agitated, and Anya felt her heart skip a beat.

"Anya." She felt that little thrill again when he said her name.

"Hey, Garrus." She was proud of how even her voice sounded.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Absolutely." She offered the glass to Jack, and the other woman snagged the glass with a grin. Anya turned to follow the turian, wondering what he was going to say. He led her back to the main battery, and he turned to face her.

"Are you okay? And, just to clarify, I mean actual okay, not 'I'm going to have nightmares about this later, but I'm not willing to talk about it' okay."

"I am not, but I will be. It was...I don't know where to start. My nerves are shot, and I am just...drained."

"How can I help you?"

"No, it's fine, you have your own stuff-"

"My stuff is handled, your stuff is not."

"My stuff is literally just sleeping it off and getting together with Dr. Chakwas about something for the dreams. It'll be fine."

"If she recommends pills, you aren't going to take them. You have to start taking better care of yourself."

"I will when you do."

The turian swore softly. "I'm serious, Anya. There are a lot of people who aren't up for losing you again, and I'm one of them. Please just...be more careful? For your best friend's sake?"

She felt a lump forming in her throat, so she just nodded, looking down. She wasn't expecting it when he pulled her in and embraced her tightly.

"Garrus?"

"'Pre-cry face' is almost always immediately followed by you needing a hug. Try and tell me I'm wrong."

She hugged back with a half-sob, half-laugh, and he squeezed a little. "Thank you, Garrus. I mean that."

"It's not a big deal. I just...I want you to stay as safe as you can stand being."

"Hey, don't make it sound like I go looking for danger. It just kind of...follows me."

"So you didn't just go through with a mission that almost got you killed? And you had no idea that the information was bad?"

"I...I didn't say that…" She felt lost as he pulled back, and she had to remind herself not to pout.

"Then you kind of made my point for me, Shep." His voice now held a trace of amusement.

She rolled her eyes and smiled. "I'm fine with handling the danger aspect, it's just...I don't know. Maybe we need some shore leave."

"Shore leave is a very inefficient way to try to deal with stress. What happens when we're far from port and you're keyed up?"

"I don't know. I'll think on it."

"Alright. Well, I'm going to turn in, now that I can see for myself that you're mostly okay. You going to try to get some sleep?"

"In a bit. I may go make sure Jack and Tali are okay."

"Fair enough. Good night, Anya."

"Good night, Garrus."

She left the battery feeling better than when she entered, and she bee-lined for the bar. Jack and Tali were still there, and she took a breath to steady herself.

"Why do you look like we're about to get back on the fucking Collector ship?" Jack was quick to quip.

"I need advice."

"What?"

"Is it about Garrus?" Tali asked.

"Yeah, how do I make it clear that I'm interested? He is painfully oblivious and I am so exhausted and frustrated and…" She gestured vaguely.

"Wait, you want to hop on a turian? Ballsy!"

"Not the important part!" Anya waved away the comment, agitated.

"So now that you two are talking again you're going to tell him?" Tali queried.

"I...maybe. I want to, I just don't know how, or when."

"You're going about this all wrong, Shepard. Being patient and subtle with Garrus is going to get you nowhere. Next time you see him, be obvious."

"Well, I don't-"

"No, no bullshit excuses. It doesn't matter what line you drop, or how god awful it is, but as long as his ears are functional, he needs to understand. If he even remotely wants to take you to pound town, he will take you up on it."

"And if he doesn't?"

Jack grinned. "Then the worse the line, the better. You can pretend it was a joke, because who would actually use a line that bad? Think about it!"


	8. Tolerance

Chapter 8

Anya could feel her heartbeat in her ears when she left the main battery. She had felt mortified when she spoke to Garrus, and she was sure that her smile when delivering the line about reach and flexibility had looked painfully forced, but he hadn't seemed fazed.

 _He seemed interested._

The thought made the pounding in her ears speed up. She felt lighter than she had in awhile, and she had to remind herself to walk away normally.

Commander Shepard would look ridiculous skipping.

She passed by the mess area and was almost immediately waylaid by Jack and Tali.

"Shepard!" Tali whisper yelled. Anya stopped in her tracks, breaking out of her reverie and looking around.

"Why are you being quiet? Nobody is around."

"Just get your ass over here and spill." Jack's tone was vaguely annoyed.

"Spill? Whatever do you mean?" she teased, grinning brilliantly.

"Oooh, see, now that may be the smile of a woman who fuckin' got some!"

"No-we didn't-we just agreed to give it a shot. Nothing has happened yet." Anya was flustered now. She tried to ignore the heat creeping up her neck.

"Aww, that's sweet," crooned the quarian.

"That's lame. How is that a success if nobody got off?"

"It's not about getting off-"

"I call bullshit."

"Look, it's about minding the line where sex with friends can ruin things. I'm not saying that getting off isn't a factor at all, it's just...it's not the main attraction."

"So, you're fucking boring." Jack's tone was flat.

"No, Shepard's just more interested in the man than the penis. It's not crazy…"

"We also have to take it slow until we find out how allergic we are to each other's bodily fluids, so…" Anya shrugged.

"Oh, shit, I didn't even think about that. So you want this dude to plow you so badly that you want him to even though it could kill you?"

"It's not...quite that drastic. I don't-"

"The point is that they're trying." Tali butted in, and Anya shot her a grateful smile. "Shepard, I'm sure you'll be fine. Are you happy?"

"Ah, more nervous than anything. Hitting on him tore my nerves up. I took your advice about the bad pick up line."

"How was it?" Jack was grinning now.

"There is zero doubt in my mind that I have never dropped a line that tacky and obvious in my life. I could feel my future self cringe in the present. That's how bad it was."

"C'mon, hit me. I gotta know, Shep."

"Nope, not even if you threatened me with being spaced directly into Harbinger's main gun."

"Shepard!" Tali sounded scandalized.

"It's not insensitive if I was the one who actually got spaced." Shepard glanced at Jack, and saw the shock on the other woman's face before she laughed.

"That-that was fuckin' dark. I needed that." The other woman walked away, chuckling. After she rounded the corner, Tali turned to Anya.

"Are you okay, Shepard?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Still working my way out of the weird headspace I ended up in on the Collector ship clusterfuck. I'll be okay."

"Are you sure, because that was…"

"I was trying to make a point, I wasn't trying to freak you out. Sorry, Tali."

"I just… You know that you can talk to me, right? I'm not just some weird quarian kid anymore, I've grown up."

"I know, it's just…" Anya ran a hand through her hair. "It's hard. Opening up, I mean, not treating you like an adult. I hate burdening people with my baggage."

"But with how much you shoulder ours, don't you think it's fair for us to help you?"

"If it's ever too much for me to carry alone, I will talk to you about it."

"Do you mean that?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I'm pretty sure you can talk to Garrus, too."

"I know. He has made that very clear to me. I'm never alone as long as I have one of you guys on my six." With that, Anya wrapped an arm around the younger woman's shoulders and squeezed briefly. The half-hug seemed to drive the point home.

"As long as you know." Tali spoke as Anya pulled away.

"Please, with friends like you guys, how could I ever forget?"

"Flatterer!"

"Please, I am literally the most charming bosh'tet you know."

"You _are_ definitely a bosh'tet…" Tali feigned a pensive moment.

Anya snorted. "Alright, well, this bosh'tet is going to bed. I'll see you tomorrow, Tali."

"Good night, Shepard."

Anya waved as she walked away, small smile still playing across her lips. Tali's heart was almost always in the right place, and knowing that made her friendship with the other woman easy.

The smile faded as she entered the elevator. A thought had crossed her mind that made her anxious, and she knew that she would be obligated to indulge her curiosity.

The moment she was in her room, she bee-line for her desk. "Hey, EDI?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"I need a favor."

"How may I be of assistance?"

"I need you to send me every scrap of data about the Lazarus Project you have access to. I need to know what every implant, every graft, and every nanite in my body is for."

"Is there something in particular you are hoping to find?"

"Right now, I...I need to know how my body is likely to respond to allergens and toxins."

"As long as the nanites in your bloodstream are active, you should have a tolerance to most substances. The nanites are capable of filtering out even botulinum and arsenic, to a degree, with the nanites reacting more aggressively the more potent a potential toxin is."

"So with a milder toxin like alcohol…"

"You may become intoxicated, but you will metabolize it quickly, and it would be almost physically impossible to drink yourself to death."

"And allergens?"

"Your body should have little to no reaction to allergens. The few things that would cause a reaction will be mild, with subsequent exposure fine-tuning the efforts of the nanites."

"I see. That's... that's good to hear."

"Do you still require the available data on the Lazarus Project?"

"Yes. All of it. And get ready to be talking for a while, we are going to go over it, line by line until I completely understand my body and how it's limitations have been adjusted."

"Yes, Commander."


	9. Never Forget You

Chapter 9

"I truly am at peace, due in no small part to you."

The justicar's words made Anya's chest ache. Killing Morinth had been hard. She had felt an echo of camaraderie with the asari, likely in part because she knew what it was like to deal with the emotions that came with being a burdensome daughter.

 _(It's not the same. She hurt people for the rush.)_

She swallowed hard as she left, heading towards the elevator. Her omni-tool beeped as the door closed, and she took a moment to collect herself before she checked the message. It was Garrus.

 _How are you holding up?_

She crossed the distance between the elevator and her room, trying to figure out how to respond.

 _I'm...okay. May have dredged up some shit. I'll be fine._

She sent the message reluctantly. Lying to him was out of the question, as was ignoring him. The honest answer would probably have him hurrying to her room, though, and she wasn't sure she was up for that.

 _Do you want to talk about it? I'm happy to come up._

She smiled a little at his response. He was playing it carefully. She dropped into the chair in front of her desk unceremoniously and sighed before she started typing.

 _I don't know. I don't think talking about it will help._

She needed to get her head straight before she was in a room with him. If he said her name she'd probably come undone.

 _Do you want me to come anyway?_

She faintly heard the hum of the elevator and smiled. She'd be willing to bet her last credit that that was him. She stood and opened the door to see him, arms laden with bottles and glasses, looking startled as he stepped out.

"What would you have done if I said I didn't want company?" she asked, leaning on the doorframe. She could feel the corner of her mouth, still tugged upward.

"I would have gone back. I just...felt like you weren't going to send me away." His voice sounded uncertain.

"You aren't wrong. C'mon." She jerked her head and stepped back, into her room. He followed her through the door, down to the couch. She sat down in her spot, and he sat down in his. She didn't say anything as he placed the glasses down and poured both of them drinks. When he offered her the wine, she murmured, "Thank you."

She took the glass and looked down at it.

"You're welcome. So, what are we thinking about after that one?"

"I guess I just...feel bad that it had to come to that. I know Morinth was bad, but seeing her as daughter that her mother couldn't deal with… I don't know. Afterwards, Samara was talking about being broken but free, and I guess...there's a part of me that wonders if that's how my parents felt."

"Anya…"

She felt a lump start forming in her throat. "It's fine. I know that asking myself that doesn't do any good, and that I need to stop being so…"

She stopped, placing the glass down and squeezing her eyes shut. She made herself take a breath. Her eyes flew open when she felt him wrap an arm around her shoulders, and she leaned into the contact after a beat. She felt rather than heard the reverberations in his torso, and she wondered at the feeling the subharmonic was meant to convey.

"If your parents had any idea of what an amazing woman you would become, they never would have let you out of their sight."

"You don't know that," she whispered, feeling her eyes sting.

"I know that Samara took a long time to give up on her daughter. If Morinth hadn't started killing people, things would have been different. Just because she ruined her life doesn't mean you managed to do the same thing to your parents when you were young. How old were you?"

"Four, I think. It's one of those memories that are far back enough that I'm not entirely sure if I remember it or if I remember being told a lot of times," she admitted.

"Who would tell you that so often that it would be etched into your memory?" Garrus seemed bewildered.

"The nuns. Telling me how much I cried on the first night was supposed to make me grateful that someone was willing to take me in, I think."

"Spirits, Shep…" He pulled back to look at her, concern in his features.

She shook her head. "I'm not worried about that right now. They had no business raising children, that's on them."

She settled back under his arm comfortably. He didn't speak for a moment, but she knew he was about to when his hand tightened on her shoulder.

"Kind of reminds me of what you said when we caught Dr. Saleon. About how you can't control other people, but you can control how you react."

She snorted. "You actually were listening."

He chuckled. "Believe it or not, I was. My point, though, is that...the same thing applies to your parents. You can't control their actions. You responded to something awful by becoming one of the biggest heroes in the galaxy. They would be proud if they knew. You wouldn't have been some awful baggage for them to haul around, you would have been-"

"Point taken," she interrupted gently, placing a hand on his chest. He gently placed a talon on her hand and fell quiet. She glanced up, and found herself wondering at his pensive look. "What are we thinking about now?"

"Nothing that won't keep."

"Uh-uh, not cutting it, big guy. I don't get to hide, and neither do you."

"It's not really relevant."

"I'm not worried about it."

"I just...is it weird that we've been this comfortable with each other for so long? I mean...I don't know. It's not that important."

"It's fine. Look, I don't know if this is weird, but it's nice, right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it is."

"Then let's not second guess it. You're my best friend, and I find you attractive. We're on the same page on that front, so where's the problem?"

He made a small noise. "Point taken. What changed, though?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I know how long I've found you attractive. When did you start seeing me that way?"

"It was... I don't know. It happened kind of gradually. I noticed something was up when I saw you checking on my armor. It took me a while after that to put it together, but…" She shrugged. "When did you start looking at me that way?"

"I... it's been a while."

"How much of a while?"

"The first Normandy," he admitted. "I even tried to flirt with you."

"Really? When did that happen?"

"After Dr. Saleon was killed, the next day, after I started to recover from the hangover, you came by to check on me. If you could have heard my subharmonics when I was telling you to let me know if you ever needed anything, it would have made you blush."

"I can't hear them, though," she laughed.

"I realized that after the fact. By the time I'd connected the dots, it was the night before Ilos,and you were...otherwise preoccupied."

"Oh, Garrus…" She pulled back, apology ready to fall from her lips, but she hesitated when she saw him smiling a little.

"It's fine, Shepard. You didn't do anything wrong, and my feelings aren't hurt over your past."

"I-are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm very sure. You didn't wrong me, you just aren't a mind reader. I'm not upset."

"Okay." She settled back into her spot, head resting on his shoulder. A small smile played across her lips when he carefully laid his head on hers. They sat like that for a few minutes before they finally parted.

"How are you feeling now?" he asked.

"Better," she admitted. "I'm glad you came by."

He seemed pleased. "I'm glad I was able to help."

"Me, too." She leaned over and lightly brushed her lips against his cheek, just above his mandible. He seemed surprised. "What?"

"I wasn't really expecting...I've never been kissed before. It's not bad," he was quick to reassure her.

"Right, the lips thing. What do you do instead?"

"Ah, hmm. The closest we have is…" His voice trailed off as he leaned in, lightly touching his forehead to hers. He tentatively brought a hand up and she felt her eyes close when he gently brushed his talon along her jaw before trailing down the side of her neck, causing her to shiver. He cleared his throat and pulled back. "Sorry, I may have gotten a bit...carried away."

"You're welcome to get carried away again," she retorted, feeling her cheeks heat.

"Another time, maybe. I don't...tonight may not be the best idea."

"And why is that?"

"I'm just worried that you might be a little vulnerable right now. I want this, spirits, I do, but... I would feel like I was taking advantage. Do I sound crazy?"

"No," she sighed. "Soon, though, maybe?"

"We'll get there when we get there," he teased gently, resting a hand on hers.

She took a breath, then smiled. "You're right. Just don't forget about me while you're off doing calibrations."

"I should go. If it's any consolation, the last two years have taught me that I could never forget you." With that, he gave her hand a squeeze and rose to leave. Anya speechlessly watched him go, her heart hammering in her ears.


	10. Trust

Chapter 10

"How long is this going to take?" Anya asked, trying not to sound like she was whining.

Garrus jumped in before Dr. Chakwas could. "As long as it takes to make sure you don't have any cracked ribs."

"I'm fine."

"You got in a three separate fist fights with a yahg in the middle of a firefight, then proceeded to tell me that your everything hurt."

"I'm just sore," she groused.

"Which is why you should be making this exam as easy for me as possible, Commander. Unless you want it to take all night for me to poke and prod you?" Dr. Chakwas asked, eyebrow cocked and amusement in her voice.

"Fine." Anya took a breath and tried not to pout. "Garrus got hit by the yahg, too. When's it his turn?"

"Right after you," he offered, crossing his arms. "I'm pretty sure I don't have a concussion, but it would honestly make going down that fast less embarrassing."

"Arms up while I'm scanning, Commander." Dr. Chakwas had her omni-tool ready. Anya obeyed, linking her hands behind her head.

"You got hit in the face. It was mostly body shots with me, plus that shield probably dispersed the force a little. I wouldn't worry. I wasn't planning on telling people you got hurt early on."

"Yeah, but I know, Shep."

Anya snorted. "You're still very manly, don't worry."

"Well, that's a relief," he said drily, shaking his head with a half-smile. "Now if you can convince my ego, we can call it a day."

"I do still…" Anya stopped, remembering where she was. Garrus looked at her questioningly, and she made sure to look him up and down slowly, biting her lip when her gaze met his. He seemed to understand her meaning, and immediately seemed flustered. She teased him, saying, "You okay, big guy?"

He had to clear his throat. "I, uh...ego's good now."

"Good." She finally looked away, blushing a little. She wasn't used to putting herself on the spot, but it had worked well in terms of reassuring him, and she had to admit, it was nice to see him thrown for a loop.

"So, does this mean.. spirits, I…" He fumbled over his words, glancing at Dr. Chakwas.

Anya sighed. "Just say it, Garrus. I don't care if you don't."

He still hesitated. "I just don't want you to regret-"

"I won't."

"If the two of you are wondering, I am already aware. Ms. Goto is quite the romantic, and apparently she and Tali talk."

"Oh. Well, I didn't realize that Tali would say anything," Garrus muttered, looking guilty.

"Wait, you told Tali?"

"Yes. I mean, she knew I had a thing for you two years ago. She was easy to talk to when she came on this time, and I guess...it sort of slipped."

Anya laughed. "No wonder she was egging me on about telling you."

"Wait, Tali knew you had a thing for me before I did?"

"Yeah, it was a girl talk thing. I was trying to get the details on her and Kal and it sort of slipped?" She sounded apologetic.

"When did this happen?"

"The night I asked for booze for her."

"Right! That was…"

"...just before Sidonis." Anya finished the statement.

"And you still liked me after all that?"

"I did, and still do."

"Even after our talk earlier?" He seemed worried.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"I just... I was worried that I had left you under the impression that I didn't want to try."

"You made it clear that it was just nerves. I'm fine. We're fine," she reassured him. He seemed to perk up a little at that.

"Good, I...good. I keep worrying about messing this up."

"Just don't pop my heat sink, we'll be fine."

He chuckled. "I knew that was going to come back on me eventually."

"Don't feel bad."

"Not when I'm talking to the queen of reach and flexibility, of course not," he joked.

"Oof," she groaned, clapping her hand to her chest as if wounded.

"Commander," Dr. Chakwas chastised.

"Sorry," Anya muttered, resuming her previous position.

"So, did Tali throw you the idea for that line?"

"No. The painfully obvious pick up line idea came from Jack, actually."

"Jack? Our Jack?"

"Yeah."

"Spirits, I feel oblivious now."

"That's how I felt!"

Garrus chuckled. "What is it that your people say? Better late than never?"

"Yeah. What about your people?"

"Eh, closest I can think of right now would have to be, 'The last recruit in formation ought to be perfect or absent.' It's not great."

"You know, I've heard worse."

Garrus snorted and Anya smiled. Silence fell between them for a moment and a dark thought crossed her mind again. He noticed her change in mood. "What is it? Turian idioms that bad after all?"

"No, I'm just worried. This whole Shadow Broker thing, I just… Do you think Liara is going to be okay?"

"I do. I think it might take a little time, but... I really do think she's going to be fine. She's smart, and she learned a lot about taking care of herself from you. She was doing a decent job taking care of herself on Illium."

"But what if something like Nyxeris happens again?"

"Liara could have handled it on her own. Us being there was just convenient, and I'm sure she was glad to have an excuse to have you around. We all missed you, Shep." Garrus watched her as his voice gentled.

"He's not wrong," Dr. Chakwas murmured.

Anya felt a lump in her throat. "I know, I just…"

"You can't help worrying, because you care," he said, sounding sure.

"Yeah," she said quietly.

"Why don't you invite her onto the Normandy? It might put your mind at ease, and give the two of you a chance to talk a bit."

"That's not going to be a problem?"

"Why would Liara being here be a problem?"

"She was pretty obvious about having a crush on me back on the first Normandy, I just…"

"Anya, it's fine. I have no reason not to trust you."

"You're right."

"If you know that I'm right, why are you so anxious about me?"

"It's not...you. I just...I've been worrying about messing this up, too."

"There is very little you can do to mess this up. Blow up Palaven, maybe. Colluding with the Reapers would do it."

She laughed. "You've made your point. Please no more examples."

"Damn, I had some good ones."

"Later, maybe."

"Alright, Commander, looks like no broken bones, just bruised ones. I wouldn't recommend getting swatted by any more yahg, though."

"You know, in retrospect, I don't think I should have tried it the first time."


	11. No Excuses

Chapter 11

"You have to admit, this one was fun." Anya was beaming as she started pulling out a small pot and pasta, still riding the tail end of the adrenaline rush that had started when she first hit the keystone for Grunt's Rite.

"Only you would count taking a thresher maw down _on foot_ as fun."

"Grunt enjoyed himself."

"Yeah, but he's krogan. He has back-up everything built into his body. You do not." Garrus crossed his arms. She pretended not to notice the look he was shooting her as she filled the pot with water.

"So are you saying that you didn't have any fun? Because I distinctly remember you sounding like you were having a blast until the maw."

He sighed. "Fine, it was fun before then."

"Knew it!" She place the pot on the stove and turned on the heat. In less than a minute it would be boiling.

"I was just so lost in the moment until I started having flashbacks to when you would almost kill us all in the Mako, then dismount on foot to finish off a maw. I just kept seeing so many flashes from so many repair manuals…"

She felt her expression shift from jubilation, to concern, to indignation as he spoke. She glared, and his solemn expression cracked. "Ass."

He laughed, then reassured her, "I wouldn't change a thing."

She could feel the irritation bleeding out of her features. With less annoyance in her voice, she muttered, "Me, either. You're still an ass."

"Yeah, but at least I'm an ass that always has your six," he teased.

"As long as I'm not driving the Mako." She started to add seasonings to the water.

"I would gladly ride 'shotgun' in the Mako with you if it would make you happy."

She narrowed her eyes at him, but she could feel herself smiling. "You're only saying that to get me to drop it."

"No. I mean, yes, but it's also true. Does that help?" She turned back towards her soon to be dinner.

"A little." She dropped a large handful of the tortellini into the now boiling water. She didn't jump when she felt him come up behind her and tentatively place a hand on either side of her waist.

Her lack of negative reaction seemed to embolden him a little. He shifted so that he was closer to her, and she leaned into him after stirring.

"Tali give you hell about the Mako, too?"

"Yes," she groaned.

"I'm sorry, Shep, your driving is just an easy target."

"I'm just saying it's on the Alliance for building a vehicle that's that light with that kind of suspension."

"You have a point," he soothed, adjusting so he was almost hugging her from behind.

"Don't patronize me." She let her head fall back on his shoulder. She could feel the subharmonics in his chuckle.

"And risk you unleashing a Nova on me? Wouldn't dream of it."

"Smart man." She stilled when she felt him nuzzle the side of her throat from behind. He was being careful, and she shivered when she felt him gently nip the sensitive skin.

"Was that...good?" He seemed hesitant to ask.

"Yeah. I...yeah. I liked that." She fumbled with the words a little.

"Good. I...I just wanted to make sure."

"I'll speak up if I don't like something."

"You sure? Because you barely seem to be able to speak up when you do like something." He went back to her throat and she felt her cheeks heat.

"Because you're going out of way to distract me and turn me on."

"You aren't wrong," he admitted. He nibbled at her neck again and she felt herself press against him harder.

"Garrus…" She knew she probably sounded breathy, but she couldn't help it.

"Do I need to stop?"

"I don't mind if you don't want to stop."

"I'm not sure I'm ready for the main event yet."

"I also don't want you to do anything you don't want to do."

"I do want to, that's the issue. My only concern is not wanting to hurt you."

"I'm sturdier than I look."

"Noted," he murmured, tongue darting out to taste her skin briefly. She made a small noise and he chuckled again. "Spirits, you're responsive."

"Is that a complaint?"

"Not even close." The way his voice lowered in pitch almost made her tremble again. "It's honestly pretty sexy."

She turned in his arms and slid her arms around his neck. She was quick to rise up to press her mouth to his, and she made an appreciative noise when he moved his mouth against hers. After a few moments, she tried letting her tongue dart out to explore. He hesitated for a beat, but still allowed it. She gently touched her tongue to his, coaxing him into returning the gesture.

When he did, she let a small, pleased sound escape. He responded by pulling her tighter to him and doing it again. In what seemed like no time, their kiss devolved into a searing tangle of hands and mouths. Anya wasn't entirely sure when she had ended up nearly grinding her hips against the turian's, but she knew she didn't want to stop.

She was the first to pull away, and she regretted it almost immediately, even though she knew it was the right call. She could tell he was confused when she did it, and she was quick to pant, "Damn, Garrus, are you sure you've never tried kissing before me? That was…"

She shook her head, sure that no words she could come up with would describe their kiss.

One mandible twitched upward, and she was relieved to see his wry smile. "Trust me, I would have remembered something like that."

"It got steamy pretty quickly," she admitted, smiling a little. "I promise I wasn't initially going for...all of that. I just wanted to steal the one kiss."

"Well, it was your turn to get carried away," he teased. "Also, I am more than willing to donate more kisses."

"Another one of those and I'm going to be asking you to fuck me outright," she admitted, turning back to her neglected pasta. She was quick to work on getting a few of the noodles unstuck from the bottom, and she felt relieved that it wasn't worse.

"Kissing gets you that wound up?"

"No, good kissing gets me that wound up. Plus it's you. Even if I pretend I'm not into tall badasses, especially the ones with wicked senses of humor and problems with authority, that was a hell of a kiss."

"Spirits, you know how to build a guy up. Is that really how you think of me?"

"Well, yeah." She glanced back at him. He seemed preoccupied, as if something had occurred to him that he didn't care for, and didn't want to ask about. "Alright, spit it out. What's on your mind, big guy?"

"Ah, it's not-"

"Nope, no excuses. Just talk to me."

"I just...I took a rocket to the face, Anya. Even if you don't mind being with a turian, nearly a third of my face looks like hell. How does that not bother you?"

"It's not as bad as you seem to think. Most of that damage should heal with just a little superficial scarring anyway. But, even with that right now, it just...doesn't matter. I like you as is. I also... I think you have really pretty eyes." Her last words came out rushed.

"You...like my eyes?"

"Yeah. I do. They're such a nice shade of blue and I just...I really like them."

"I...I guess I'm glad the rocket didn't go any higher, then. So you really are okay with...this." It was more of a statement than a question.

She answered anyway. "Yes."

"Good." She felt him come up behind her again, this time more confidently. He wrapped his arms around her waist and squeezed gently for a beat. "What are you making?"

"Tortellini. Nearly done. Just gotta drain the water and add some stuff."

"Mmm. Glad to see you eat real food for once."

"I eat."

"Ramen and granola bars and those weird little pre-packaged meals the Alliance used to throw at you on the SR-1. That's not real food. Besides, what's the point in splurging on edible rations if you aren't going to enjoy them?"

"Hey, I'm getting better!"

"I see that. I like it when you take care of yourself."

"So you've mentioned." Anya felt a smile tugging at her lips. She heard the door to the medbay slide open and she paused. "Dr. Chakwas going somewhere?"

Garrus pulled back and turned. "Ah, actually looks like Mordin going in. I wonder if he saw us?"

She sighed and shifted so she could look as well. "Probably. I swear, we are the absolute worst kept secret on the ship."

He faced her again and his mandible twitched. "I swear I can be stealthy."

She snorted and smiled. "I know. Maybe we need to stop trying to sneak around like teenagers. Apparently we suck at it."

He chuckled. "It's fun, though, you have to admit."

"Not as fun as killing a maw on foot, but I take your point."

"Crazy woman."


End file.
